A GUEST POSTING by SWC
Before I hand over to SWC, a little bit of explanation. One of his previous posts over at No Badger Required, in which he offered up the views and opinions of his daughter, made me laugh so hard that I asked if a future instalment could be offered up to TVV. He’s been a as good as his word….in fact, he sent this over just prior to Christmas and I’ve had to sit on it waiting for the blog to get up and running again. Given that yesterday saw a somewhat sad but brilliant post about the passing of Alan Rankine, I thought this made for the ideal way to try and put a smile on our collective faces.
“For those of you who haven’t ventured over to my little corner of the Internet, which is more commonly known as No Badger Required, this is the fourth instalment in a series that I am calling ‘Kids, Eh’. It is a series in which I randomly pick three songs from my music library (or rather an algorithm picks them for me), give my daughter a pencil and some paper and tell her to write what she thinks about them.
“We started this series when she was nine, and I have learnt four things, firstly that she is a harsh critic, no song has yet to score more than eight out of ten.
“Secondly, she hates shouty, angry records that “Don’t say anything”. Thirdly, she has a knack of being able to bring some form of creature into every review she does, so far we’ve had hippopotamuses, toucans, crocodiles and cats and fourthly, now aged ten, and armed with her own Alexa, my daughter has developed a love of music by bands like Air, Four Tet, Boards of Canada and Massive Attack (but only the album ‘Mezzanine’, the rest are a bit “meh” apparently). She, dare I say it, has cool taste in music, so this might be quite interesting.
“All the songs today are randomly picked from an iPod Playlist that I called “Another Playlist” when I compiled it. There are over 4000 songs in this playlist and as we sit in the lounge five days before Christmas, armed with paper, pencils, custard creams, a half-eaten box of Roses, and some Wasabi Peanuts (they are mine) I’m ready to press the shuffle button.
““Will there be Christmas songs?” my daughter suddenly asks. I tell her there might be. I know that the Fucked Up version of “Do They Know Its Christmas?” is definitely on there, but I don’t tell her that, because she will definitely hate it. “I hope its not that stupid song that talks about the “the bells ringing out” J (name changed of irritating boy in her class) in my class keeps singing it to annoy the teacher”. That isn’t on there, I tell her. I finally press the play button and I have to say I grinned when the first song came on because it was this absolute banger.
Now in reality, this is one of the greatest remixes to have ever grace anyone’s stereo, full of loops, samples, twists, “Here We Go’s” and “Ahhh’s” it is extraordinary, outstanding, a proper floor filler. My daughter catches me nodding my head along to it and I tell her that the man who remixed this, was a genius and that in a perfect world he would have been Minister of Culture. She looks at me blankly and frantically scribbles on her pad.
About four minutes in she tells me that she likes the little “Ah ha” bits and then she puts her pencil down. I type verbatim the bits in italics are my interjections.
“It keeps saying the same thing, ’Here We Go’ but doesn’t tell you where they are going, they might be going to the zoo to see the giraffes [ ooh, she’s gone early on the animals] or to the shops. It’s quite good I suppose but it just does the same thing over and over again. I like the ‘Ah Ha’ bits but it is not as good as ‘Kelly Watch The Stars’”. [I might confiscate her Alexa, if she keeps up that nonsense]
‘Soon’ gets a six out of ten. Which on the Kids, Eh scoreboard makes it the fourth-best song in the world. So Far at least.
It’s the version from the ‘At the BBC’ album so it’s slightly faster and slightly rawer than the album version but all the same it’s still a bloody marvellous ninety seconds or so if you quickly skirt over the biblical violence backstory. Although I think a certain ten year is about to disagree with me and tell me off for playing a song which has the word ‘crapper’ in it.
“He said a rude word, I don’t like it [now thankfully, my daughter hasn’t grasped the full concept of a swear word, but thanks to Howard from the Big Bang Theory she knows that “crap” is a bad word. She hasn’t noticed, yet that someone has written ‘FUCK’ in red pen on the bench at the park, but she knows that is a very rude word], the singing is all weird and he keeps repeating the rude word. He sounds like he is going to have a sore throat in the morning, he should try singing a bit quieter, or let someone else sing, I’m glad actual Pixies don’t sound like that”.[She used to have a pixie living in her playhouse when she was five, only she could understand it because it spoke ‘half German and half Italy’]
That my friends, is all she has to say about it. She could be right about Black Francis letting someone else sing though. ‘Dead’ scores one out of ten. Which still places it higher than ‘Husbands’ by Savages, which was erm, savaged when my daughter reviewed it.
Finally, we come to the last song of the day, well actually I skipped one because Pixies came on again
The last song of the day is this, which might go down quite well
Which, if we are all absolutely honest with ourselves, is one of Britpop’s finest four a half minutes, from the piano at the start, through Noel’s singing about “Starting revolutions from his bed”, the brilliant drumming and the way the song all moulds together rather excellently. ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’ is definitely in the top five Oasis tracks.
“Who’s Sally, and why is she waiting, what’s too late, is she being dumped?” my daughter asks me. I tell her I’m not entirely sure. “Well, he shouldn’t tell her to wait, that’s rude and its rude to be late, Uncle Bill is always late, my chips went cold the last time he was late”. I nod in agreement, so did mine as it happens. “It is a nice song though. I like the singing, much better than the last one. I like this one best today. Can I add Oasis to my playlist please.”
With that she scores ‘Don’t Look Back In Anger’ a relatively unheard of seven out of ten and goes off to play Minec.