SOME SONGS ARE GREAT SHORT STORIES (Chapters 25 & 26)

Two for one today , thanks to Half Man Half Biscuit, described by wiki as an English rock band, formed in 1984 in Birkenhead, Merseyside and known for their satirical, sardonic, and sometimes surreal songs.

Chapter 25

A mistake has been made
It’s a fact they can’t hide
Though I’m partly to blame, it cannot be denied
There ain’t no use defending
It seems I’ve been tending
The wrong grave for 23 years

A letter dropped onto my doormat one day
And I thought: “I’ll ignore that, it might go away”
And I took up my shears
To the place where for years
I presumed my sweet darling had lain

Curse those in charge of plots
Curse these forget-me-nots
I’ve been sharing my innermost thoughts with an Edward McCrae
I’m inconsolable and at times uncontrollable
Ah but she wouldn’t know ‘cos she’s two hundred metres away
Let’s complain…

On my long weary journey back home I took the less frequented path and ended up in the Meadow of Consolation. It was a magical place – I half expected a nymph to appear, shyly from out of the brake. Some not unexpected She from the brushwood; and me dressed as a dandy in practice for the Summer Eights …even the glebe cow started to drool …but then, almost inevitably, Claire Rayner appeared

I’m numb from the sting
That I’ve been tending
The wrong grave for 23 years
I walked up in autumn, I ran up in spring
To the wrong grave for 23 years
Oh ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling
Now ain’t that a thing
The wrong grave for 23 years
The wrong grave for 23 years
The wrong grave for 23 years

mp3 : Half Man Half Biscuit – Tending The Wrong Grave For 23 Years

Released on the Saucy Haulage Ballads EP back in 2003.

Chapter 26

I fancy I’ll open a stationer’s
Stock quaint notepads for weekend pagans
While you were out at The Rollright Stones
I came and set fire to your shed

‘Cos you probably work at an all-night garage
You probably work at an all-night garage
You probably work at an all-night garage
With Talk Radio on

And you curse my soul if I don’t want petrol
Curse my soul ‘cos I don’t want petrol
I only came down for a tube of Pringles
…Sour Cream and Chives

Because you gotta get up off your fat arse to go and get my crisps and you gotta go around the counter and it’s really inconvenient; and when you come back, you toss them into that sliding metal tray device thing that separates us and you say: “One pound thirty-five”, as opposed to: “That’ll be one pound thirty-five please, sir”. This is of course done to annoy me but has the opposite effect of amusing me no end, because suddenly I’ve got other things to buy…

“I’ll have two Scotch eggs and a jar of Marmite,
Two Scotch eggs and a jar of Marmite
Two Scotch eggs and a jar of Marmite
…what sandwiches have you got?”

Well now you become quite irate and your voice becomes louder, and you start to sound like Leadbelly at the depot…

“I got ham, I got cheese, I got chicken, I got beef,
I got tuna-sweetcorn; I’ve got tuna-sweetcorn…”

“I’ll have ten Kit Kats and a motoring atlas
Ten Kit Kats and a motoring atlas
And a blues CD on the Hallmark label
– that’s sure to be good”

Oh he went to play golf on a Sunday morn’ just a mile and a half from town
His head was found on the driving range and his body has never been found

mp3 : Half Man Half Biscuit – Twenty Four Hour Garage People

Released on the Trouble Over Bridgwater LP back in 2000.

JC

5 thoughts on “SOME SONGS ARE GREAT SHORT STORIES (Chapters 25 & 26)

  1. There is nothing better in life than writing on the sole of your slipper with a biro on a Saturday night instead of going to the pub.

  2. Always think of this song if I have to go to the hatch late at night and always ask for two scotch eggs and a jar of marmite. . No one yet has actually got them or understood the reference

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